| Sorry for the incoherent last post. I just read through all of my posts and comments on here, and it kind of dawned on me that I've already been posting really personal things, and it's been ok thus far, even though people who know me in real life read this. In fact, people have gone out of their way to try and help me answer my questions. The least I can do is explain what's going on and why I doubt I'll be posting much for a while.
I don't believe in God anymore. Again. It was nice for a while to believe and feel loved, but then the reason I stopped believing in the first place resurfaced, and no matter how much I read on the topic or pray or cry, I can't get around it. What bothers me the most about the concept of God is this: There have been many many times in my life when I have felt completely alone. Now, if this God really loves me, he would be there with me. What parent could stand to see their child sobbing and crying out for them, and not rush to hold them and comfort them? So, where's God? I know the correct Catholic answer. In other people, in the Eucharist, in the Bible, etc. etc. But it makes no sense at all to me why he uses other people or things. If he truly loves me that much, he should have no problems with being there physically, literally talking to me. If he knows me inside and out, he knows how hard it is for me to trust people, let alone some unseen being. If God exists, he has the power to be here, according to everyone the love to want to be here... so why not?
I'm not sure if anyone really wanted to hear all of that, but there it is. If you're disappointed in me, well, that's who I am. Sorry. I've been beating my head against a wall trying to find a way to believe, because my life would be much much easier if I could just get over it or ignore it. I've read books, I've talked to people, I've "prayed". But I can't get around it. I'm going to keep going to church because it's my community, and I love them too much to leave. But as for the rest of it, I don't really know. As someone else assured me, if it's in God's plan for me to believe, it will happen. If he exists and he loves me, then his love will win out in the end. I can't fight much more, it's hard and I'm only getting more frustrated and hurt and angry. So for right now, I'm just going to concentrate on being a good positive person, and maybe faith will come eventually. I'm open, but I'm not strong enough to seek anymore.
I hope that makes some sort of sense. I'm not posting this for people to pity me, or worry about me... I just think that some sort of explanation should be given. Thanks for everything. |
